For the last two months, I have been dieting.  More specifically, I have been cheating on my diet.  I am realizing that a shift happened.  When I first started following my current plan, I didn’t think of it as a diet.  I decided to change the way I eat, permanently.  I decided that my health and my weight were more important to me than eating what I want, when I want.  I decided that I was perfectly okay giving up certain foods - for life.  I acknowledged that bread, rice, pasta, potatoes, fast food, processed foods and junk food are not good for me and make me feel horrible.  I decided to change my lifestyle.  I found a lifestyle plan for people who want to lose a lot of weight quickly and easily and I followed it.  And I felt great.  It was easy - really easy.

A couple of months ago, it started getting hard.  It only started getting hard when I started cheating.  It’s really a mindset game.  You don’t cheat on a lifestyle, right?  You cheat on a diet.  I stopped thinking of my plan as a lifestyle and started seeing it as a really restrictive diet.  I had all kinds of people colluding with me, too.  A lot of my friends have tried the diet, based on my previous great results.  And a lot of my friends and family have had the pleasure of dining with me on my diet, too.  The general consensus is “I don’t know how you do that.  I would starve.”  Well, I think that’s the idea.  I wasn’t really “starving” and I was never hungry.  Hungry is not my problem.  I never eat because I’m hungry.  I eat because it’s time, because I’m bored, because I want some entertainment, because I’m stressed out, because I’m lonely, because … fill in the blank.  So, anyway, somewhere along the line, my very effective lifestyle became a diet and my new lifestyle is all about cheating on my diet, beating myself up about it and resolving to get back on.  Wash, rinse, repeat.  The cheats start lasting longer and my resolve starts being shorter.

So, here I am.  I am aware of where I’m at - the first step.  I have been avoiding this awareness, which is why I’ve been avoiding my blog.  I realize that it’s not helping me.  And, I actually humbly admit that I don’t know where to go from here.  I am still committed to my goal.  The only thing more painful than being fat and not losing weight, is being fat and gaining weight.  I refuse to lose any more ground.  I am committed to exploring my vision and looking at the solutions that are present in my life right now.  I know that it’s simple, just do it.  And, simple isn’t necessarily easy.

I have had a couple good days back on my plan and I am becoming brilliant again.  My mindset is shifting back into weight loss mode.  I have to admit that I wasn’t really there, but I just started on my way.  Sometimes, I think I’ve got to get my mindset all sorted before I start taking action.  It’s kind of like thinking that you need to lose weight before you start exercising.  I know this sounds crazy to sane people, but it makes perfect sense to those of us who have spent a life time making excuses.  It’s the same kind of thinking that supports the idea that I can diet, exercise, meditate, blog, insert your goal here, just as soon as my life calms down, I lose some weight, I make some money, the kids aren’t sick, or insert your excuse here.  The thing that I am celebrating more than anything else today is that I didn’t feel centered or organized or in the right “head space” to get back on my diet, but I did it anyway.  I just put one foot in front of the other and kept at it until I was back on.  It legitimately took me several days to get through a whole day on my plan, but I made it because I just kept beginning again NOW, rather than planning to begin again tomorrow or next Monday or on the 1st.  I think that this is really good advice that carries over to all areas of life.  I guess there’s a reason Nike’s “Just Do It!” campaign is so popular.  What I have learned from just doing it, is that doing it is what creates the mindset, rather than the other way around.  I’ve always thought that the mindset was what enabled me to “do it” (whatever “it” is).  And, I am really inspired to find that doing it is what creates the momentum, the inspiration and the motivation.  I’m such a big fan of “Just Do It!” today that I might go buy myself some new Nikes to show my appreciation.

I’m not surprised, but I’m also not thrilled.  I weighed in today after being away from my scale for two weeks.  I count it as a significant win that I actually got back on the scale because I really, really didn’t want to.  It’s a good tool, though.  It just tells the facts without any commentary.  I have gained 5.4 pounds in the last two weeks!  Oh, that sounds so bad to me.  Yeah, I have a lot of commentary to offer.  Instead, I’m going to focus on what’s great about me and my body and my plan.  I think one of the bad habits I’ve really fallen back into is beating myself up and saying horrible things to myself and I’m committed to changing that.  One of the things I know about when I started this journey is that a lot of the energy and momentum came from being very clear and aware of what is true and loving myself because of it, rather than in spite of it.  So, that is where I am going back to today.

What is true is that I am no longer 100 pounds over weight, but I am still over 60 pounds over weight.  This is actually a significant shift.  Maybe, I should change the name of my blog to “My Sixty Pounds”.  I’m not going to.  But, I am reframing my journey.  I am sixty pounds over weight.  I am a loving, passionate, giving person.  I actually give too much.  I am not super clear about my boundaries and I over give of my time and my energy.  I haven’t been great at noticing that I am tired or that I need to slow down.  And, I am very, very tired and I, not only need to slow down, but I want to slow down.  One of the things that vacation is good for is resetting priorities.  I realize that I spend a lot of time and energy in my life running.  I’m running around helping people and organizations and causes.  I’m running toward my goals.  I’m running away from my pain.  You’ll love this!  The night we left for vacation, I told my mom, “Oh, my gosh!  I am so tired!  My feet hurt and I’m exhausted!  I’ve been running around like crazy all day!”  My mom said, “Sweetheart!  You have been running around like crazy for your whole life!  Slow down, honey!  You’re wearing us all out just watching you!”  I LOVE my mom and I think she is one of the smartest and most generous people I know.  And, I’m going to take her advice.  I’m slowing down.  I’m reassessing all the running around that I’m doing and I’m choosing only to do the things that pass the test of “my cornerstones”.  My cornerstones are 4 guiding principles that I use for making decisions.  My cornerstones are:  Easy, Fun, Win-Win-Win, On Purpose.  My diet is easy.  Just follow it, period.  My diet is fun!  It’s actually fun to weigh and measure my food (it appeals to my scientific tendencies).  It is super fun to blog.  And I can’t think of anything more fun than losing weight every week.  The Win-Win-Win is that I win, my family wins, I hope you win and I hope that the work I am doing goes to inspire, influence and help other people to find their own ways to lasting freedom around food.  And, on purpose.  We’ll I definitely have a big purpose here.  I actually have 100 little ones.  I have a list of 100 reasons why I want to lose weight, one per pound.  So, my plan passes through my cornerstones and I’m looking to make sure that the rest of my life does too.  And, I am also looking to create a bunch of space to slow down in.

Note:  If you are interested in the idea of Guiding Principles or Cornerstones, I encourage you to develop yours.  They will be different than mine.  Brainstorm what is most important to you.  It can be helpful to look at your values.  If you need some help, let me know.

Well, I’m back. I missed blogging and I missed my diet, actually. I can’t believe I’m saying that. I’ve been messing around with my diet for over the last month and I am so tired of the fight and the struggle. I know that part of my inconsistency was that I was looking forward to really being off my diet when I was on vacation. I had pretty much planned to cheat for a week. And, therefore, I had a pretty hard time being very serious about my diet leading up to that. Well, I am back now. I’ve been cheating for a month and I really let loose last week. And, I’m done. I didn’t really think that I had it completely “out of my system” when I got back on Sunday, so I spent yesterday making sure. Yep, I am completely done. I feel horrible when I eat so much junk. I don’t sleep well and I don’t like myself. And, I’m sick and tired of fighting with myself about it and complaining about it.

So, here I am today. I’m tired. I wish I was still on vacation with my honey. I am sad because he left today for the rest of the week. I want to go back to bed and sleep for the rest of the day. I don’t want to deal with my life or my appointments or my schedule. I definitely don’t want to deal with my diet and my body. I just want to curl into a little cocoon. I am not feeling centered or motivated. And, I’m taking a stand any way. I am done. I am done cheating on my diet and feeling icky and beating myself up. I’m done looking for comfort or rest or rejuvenation in food. I’m done escaping from my life with food. It doesn’t work! It just makes me want to escape some more - kind of like all those other ways we escape from our lives.

So, today, I am doing today. Now, I am doing now. I am eating a salad and a hard boiled egg for breakfast. I have my liter of water on my desk. I took my vitamins. And, I’m going to rest and take it easy and sleep when I need to sleep. I think I’m just exhausted. And, food doesn’t help - not the kind I’ve been eating any way. So, here I am. Starting again. For my Leadership friends out there - “begin again”. “Begin again” is a leadership lesson. We are human, we will make mistakes, we will actually fail. The lesson is to begin again. And here I am, humbling submitting myself to the lesson today - beginning again. So, I will weigh in tomorrow because it’s Wednesday and I will report the facts and I will keep moving forward from there - wherever “there” is.

Yes, I’ve been missing from my blog! I was out in the middle of the South Pacific in The Cook Islands. I could text, but I had very limited email and phone access - more trouble than it was worth for sure. So, was my diet ;-). I’m back, though. Enjoy the slideshow and I’ll be back to blogging tomorrow! Love, Carrie

Make a Smilebox slideshow