Posts Tagged ‘Feelings’

I got inspired to write on account of some good coaching I received today.  Thank you, Lyndee!

Although I haven’t been blogging, I have definitely still been focused on my weight.  Mostly, I’ve been focused on my dissatisfaction with my weight and the return of my “bad” eating habits and the slow, insidious way that I am gaining weight and undoing all the progress that I have made this year.  I completely abandoned my diet at the end of October after unsuccessfully attempting to get back on it several times.  Since then, I have been “trying to figure out” how I’m going to keep losing weight, what plan I’m going to follow next or how I can get remotivated to get back on 1st Personal Diet - because it was really working.

What I am realizing today is that my focus has been on what I don’t like, being stuck and trying to find a solution to a problem.  The diet I was following seemed like a pretty good solution and I’d love to be back on it.  What I know though, from experience, is that it’s not sustainable - for me.  Or I’d be sustaining it.  Instead of making myself wrong and trying to get back on it, I’m looking in a new direction.  Instead of coming from a place of punishing myself, restricting myself and attempting to get motivated to move away from my current weight, I am looking to come at this situation from a very different perspective.  Rather than setting the goal to lose 100 pounds, I am looking at creating a vision for my lifestyle.  The question becomes “Who do I want to be?” instead of “What do I want to do?”  BEing healthy, fit, sexy and well is very different than chasing weight loss.  It’s about the process.  It’s about being present to my life.  It’s about being aware of how I use food and how I choose to use food.

One of the main things that I remembered today is how uncomfortable I was in my skin the first couple of days of my diet.  I was feeling my feelings and I could barely stand to be with myself.  I realize that I really use food as an insulator to keep my feelings at a comfortable level and to anesthetize myself against “negative” feelings and stress.  And my blog helps.  It’s an alternate way to “deal with”, express, hold, be with, or (just plain) feel my feelings.  So, here I am.  Returning to my blog.  My diet is imperfect or worse at the moment.  I’ve gained weight.  And, I’m realizing that the important thing is to show up anyway.  Today, I am starting with my blog again.

For the last two months, I have been dieting.  More specifically, I have been cheating on my diet.  I am realizing that a shift happened.  When I first started following my current plan, I didn’t think of it as a diet.  I decided to change the way I eat, permanently.  I decided that my health and my weight were more important to me than eating what I want, when I want.  I decided that I was perfectly okay giving up certain foods - for life.  I acknowledged that bread, rice, pasta, potatoes, fast food, processed foods and junk food are not good for me and make me feel horrible.  I decided to change my lifestyle.  I found a lifestyle plan for people who want to lose a lot of weight quickly and easily and I followed it.  And I felt great.  It was easy - really easy.

A couple of months ago, it started getting hard.  It only started getting hard when I started cheating.  It’s really a mindset game.  You don’t cheat on a lifestyle, right?  You cheat on a diet.  I stopped thinking of my plan as a lifestyle and started seeing it as a really restrictive diet.  I had all kinds of people colluding with me, too.  A lot of my friends have tried the diet, based on my previous great results.  And a lot of my friends and family have had the pleasure of dining with me on my diet, too.  The general consensus is “I don’t know how you do that.  I would starve.”  Well, I think that’s the idea.  I wasn’t really “starving” and I was never hungry.  Hungry is not my problem.  I never eat because I’m hungry.  I eat because it’s time, because I’m bored, because I want some entertainment, because I’m stressed out, because I’m lonely, because … fill in the blank.  So, anyway, somewhere along the line, my very effective lifestyle became a diet and my new lifestyle is all about cheating on my diet, beating myself up about it and resolving to get back on.  Wash, rinse, repeat.  The cheats start lasting longer and my resolve starts being shorter.

So, here I am.  I am aware of where I’m at - the first step.  I have been avoiding this awareness, which is why I’ve been avoiding my blog.  I realize that it’s not helping me.  And, I actually humbly admit that I don’t know where to go from here.  I am still committed to my goal.  The only thing more painful than being fat and not losing weight, is being fat and gaining weight.  I refuse to lose any more ground.  I am committed to exploring my vision and looking at the solutions that are present in my life right now.  I know that it’s simple, just do it.  And, simple isn’t necessarily easy.

I realize that I use food like a drug. My favorite anesthetics are simple carbohydrates and fats. Sugar is okay, but I generally go toward a white flour and fat combination. I like cheese and crackers, quesadillas, grilled cheese sandwiches, pasta and butter, and chocolate. These are the things that I gravitate toward. I’m trying to figure out if I go to these things in order to avoid other things, numb pain and discomfort or because of hormonal insanity and I think it’s a combination of all three. I have been way, way off my diet the past several days. The thing that’s crazy is that I don’t even like it that much. I don’t like how I feel in my body. I don’t feel good, I don’t sleep good, I feel tired all day, I feel restless and I am generally disgusted with myself. I am cranky and irritable. And I want more junk food. Go figure! It’s the weirdest thing. It really is like an addiction. I know people who say it is an addiction. But, for me, I don’t know if it’s actually sugar that’s the problem. I don’t know what it actually is, though. Chocolate, cheese, butter, tortillas and pasta seem to be the big players in my world. So, carbohydrates and fat, chocolate and cheese, vehicles for butter and salt. My coach had a great suggestion. She said, “Instead of counting on your willpower to get you through the tough times, plan for the tough times.” I was doing so well that nothing could get me off track. But, I also didn’t have a period almost that whole time. Now, I’m having my period again. Of course, that’s supposed to be a good thing, right? So, I’ve got my unpredictable hormonal fluctuations to contend with, in addition to letting my schedule get insane. My coach’s plan is to know that I’m going to become unreasonable and my will power will eventually fail me, so be prepared for that. Know that during those time, I can not have certain things in the house and I can not prepare certain meals and foods for my family. That actually seems like a really good idea. I need to pick some things to feed my family on the several days a month when I’m feeling crazy. I need to acknowledge when I’m feeling crazy and get those foods out of the house, too. I guess that means I should stop buying macaroni and cheese and chocolate chips in bulk. Good idea, in general, I guess.

I started this blog because I felt totally 100% committed to losing 100 pounds. There was no doubt in my mind that I was doing it and nothing was going to get in my way, not a class, not a trip, not a birthday, an anniversary or a holiday. I was thinking clearly. Nothing could distract me. And I wanted to document that feeling and how I got there and how I think there, because I know what it feels like not to be there and not to be able to get back no matter how hard I try. My coach asked me, “Do you remember the moment that you decided to lose 100 pounds?” I actually remember deciding, but I don’t remember HOW I decided. It wasn’t like some big thing happened and I said, “Never again!” It was a series of small things and I was just completely done. I simply decided. And I decided that there was no messing around and no going back. And I guess the simple thing is just to decide again, today - and tomorrow and the next day and the day after that. And, I keep telling myself that I’ll decide again “first thing tomorrow.” WHAT is that? There is really no such thing as “tomorrow”. The only time I have is NOW! I can only do something now and right now what I’m doing is messing around on my diet and getting terrified that I’m going to get fatter again. THAT, I know, is absolutely unacceptable to me. I am upset about not losing much weight, but I am totally unwilling to gain weight. THAT will NOT happen!

So, today, I leave you with this quote that is inspiring me:
” You’ve been walking in circles, searching. Don’t drink by the water’s edge. Throw yourself in. Become the water. Only then will your thirst end..” This was posted by my facebook friend, Danny Inman

I have a challenge today. I have a “Special Occasion” tonight. Now, I’m that girl who can make anything into a special occasion. For example, Tuesdays used to be special occasions in my house, because Tuesdays are Family Day and we would go to the movies or out to dinner or do something fun, which generally involved food. Seriously, some Tuesdays we just went out for an ice cream. Frankly, some Tuesdays we still do go out for an ice cream - only I don’t have one. One of the things that I used to tell myself is that it isn’t the “special occasions” that were ruining my diet, it was the daily habits. I still think that this is mostly true and I also don’t want to use that as an excuse to binge on my birthday, have dessert on Sunday, eat M&Ms at the movies on Tuesday or overindulge in any situation. I know that lasting health and weight loss comes from daily habits, weekly habits and monthly habits. If I have a habit of binging before my period every month, that’s going to affect my weight and my health.

So, here’s my challenge today. I have a real special occasion tonight, not a made up one. I am the chair-person of The Betty Ferguson Foundation’s Woman of Honor Dinner which happens tonight. I am not the Woman of Honor. If I was, I probably wouldn’t eat at all. I am one of the co-chairs and part of an amazing team of people that is putting on an incredible event to honor a really special woman, Dr Dianne Van Hook, who is an inspirational leader in our community. I am actually really nervous today. Most of the work is done, the tickets are sold (in fact, we are sold out), the auction items are (mostly) all in hand and ready to be set up and the speakers are prepared. My job today is to set up the auction, attend the dinner, thank everyone for coming and encourage them to give us a lot of money. The Betty Ferguson Foundation’s annual budget runs off of this event and provides scholarships for local women to go to college and provides support, training and education for the women and youth of our community. No pressure, right. Well, worst case scenario, we should do quite well. So, I should just relax. But, I can’t. And, when I’m nervous, I eat. I’m actually not eating now, so that’s good. I mean, I’m on my plan and not binging before the event. I tend to hold it together until afterward and then eat to “come down”. I am aware of this and I have plans to support myself in other ways. What ways? Gosh, I don’t really know. Watching movies, reading, going in the pool, taking a walk, maybe I’ll go to the beach for a couple of hours on Monday? I could get a massage or a facial. That sounds like a good idea. Okay, I’ll pay attention. I will use the “I want food” urge as an access point to get curious and start looking for what I really want and need. And I’ll blog.

I also have to admit that I’m a little worried about the actual event. It’s at a beautiful venue. I would love to enjoy a glass of champagne upon arrival - especially to help me relax. To be perfectly honest, I’d love a martini. Neither of these things are on my plan. I know the food is going to be fabulous. I’d love to have dessert. Perhaps, I’ll allow myself one bite if it looks really good and my friends can assure me that it’s worth it. Here’s the deal, though. I have some built in accountability. My husband will be with me and he doesn’t want to see me “blow it”. I will also be sitting with friends and among friends who really want to support me and my goals, especially this one. Part of me wants permission to “enjoy the evening” without worrying about my diet. And, part of me wants to rebel against any of the support I’ve set up for myself. And, part of me wants to stick to my plan. Yep! There’s a lot of noise in my head today.

So, I am - right this minute - considering what this event is really about and what’s most important to me. I know what this event is about and it’s not the food or the “adult beverages”. What matters most to me tonight is that everyone enjoys themselves and that we have a successful event. I want our honoree to feel over joyed and super special and, well, honored. I want our guests to fall in love with our organization and to love our event and to have a lovely, fun, inspirational evening. And, I want MY guests to have an amazing time. I want our volunteers to feel appreciated and seen and to also enjoy themselves. And I want to have fun! And this all seems like a lot to want and a lot of people to want to impress, appreciate, inspire and support, too. It actually sounds like a lot of work. I guess I’d better wear comfortable shoes, my open heart and a genuine smile. And, I bet this will all be a lot easier to manage without a martini in hand. Okay, I’m good. I’m off to start this crazy marathon. I’ll check and report back tomorrow.

So, I’ve been offline for a little while - in more ways than one. I have been messing around with my diet and last week the wheels really came off the wagon. I’ve been under an undue amount of stress and I’ve been eating my way through it. I’ve been using food to insulate myself from my situation and my feelings. I am intimately aware of how I became overweight in the first place because I spent the last week really falling back into my old patterns. It starts with little indiscretions that turn into permission to cheat that turns into a binge. There’s a part of me that just wants to “be bad”. I intentionally go looking for something bad to eat or some way to be bad. The interesting thing is that I am noticing that the food just doesn’t really taste that good and that I really feel horrible in my body when I overeat and eat tons of empty carbs.

Just to make it official and to admit where I’m at and what I’ve been up to, I am here to admit that I gained 1.8 pounds this last week. I really, really did not want to get on the scale this morning and I really, really, really did not want to take my measurements and report them to my “consultant” today. But, I did it anyway and I’m glad I did. I have officially lost 1.2 pounds this month. While that’s good and while that’s progress in the right direction, it is a huge disappointment to me. At this rate, it will take me about 4 years to reach my goal. Sure it would be worth it, but seriously, 4 years! I don’t really want to mess around like this for the next four years.

I realize that I have lost sight of my goal. I definitely was feeling good about losing 40 pounds. It felt significant and people are noticing and I am feeling pretty good. I got disconnected from my reasons for wanting to lose weight and from my goal of losing 100 pounds. It actually started feeling hard and like a pretty imposing tasks to accomplish. It’s a marathon, not a sprint. Gosh, that is a metaphor that really speaks to my whole life right now. Perhaps I should run a marathon as a metaphor for overcoming all these challenges that I’m bogged down with. It’s a cool idea and I’m not ready to take it on. I’ve never been interested before now. I’ve never had a reason to run. The marathon I’m running now is My Hundred Pounds. I stumbled and I have now officially recovered. I am back in the race.

I’m glad I gained weight this week, because it was the wake up call that I needed. I have revisited my reasons for losing weight and added to them. I am recommitted to my goal of losing 100 pounds. I know that it’s possible and I know I can do it. I am clear about where I am currently. I know my weight, my measurements, my size and how I feel in my body. And, I know where I’m going. I actually don’t have a clear vision of what I will look like or how I will feel or what it will be like to really lose 100 pounds. It’s elusive and a little bit scary for me. So, I am focusing on what I can see. I saw a quote on facebook today, “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.” My next goals, the one’s I can see, the one’s I can really associate with are:

1. Lose 7.6 pounds, at which point I will have lost 50 pounds.
2. Lose 8.4 pounds, at which point, I will weigh less than 200 pounds. It is still hard for me to admit that I weigh more than 200 pounds.
3. Get into size 14 pants.

I can do all of this (and more) by staying on my plan and following it 100% for the next month. I know that one of the things that helps me to stay curious and aware and to be with my feelings instead of stuffing them, is to write this blog. So, I also commit to writing every day for the next 30 days. I realize that I’m traveling during this time and that I will have some challenges to keep that commitment and I’m going to do it anyway.

I’m back on track! Here we go!