Posts Tagged ‘freedom’

I’m sure you all remember my love and affection for Diet Coke.  Okay, addiction.  It’s the one thing that was on my 1st Personal Diet plan that I was allowed to have that made me feel like I was cheating.  It was my guilty pleasure that I got to indulge in every day.  Especially in the beginning, it was such a big deal because I wasn’t allowing myself to have Diet Coke for all the reasons that you’ve heard.  I know it’s bad for me, blah, blah, blah.  So, being able to include something that felt like a cheat was actually really helpful.

From a coaching perspective, I have recently explored this as being able to hold polarities or inconsistencies and include both sides of an idea.  It’s way better than denial of the “less popular” perspective.  Instead of denying that there is a part of me that wants to, loves to and longs to cheat on my diet, it is very helpful to include the idea - to find the gift in it and how it serves me.  It helps to explore what values are being honored and what values I have that need to be included in the journey that I am on.  Instead of trying to shift my values so that I honor my health and fitness over choice and freedom, I can find ways to honor choice and freedom at the same time as health and fitness.  Pretty cool!  And pretty effective!

And, today I am also embracing my sexy, happy, healthy body and looking for what she wants and needs.  And it makes me think about the fact that people who maintain their ideal weight, don’t drink Diet Coke (or eat diet food or go on diets or a lot of the other crazy things that I have been doing in order to attempt to reach my ideal weight).  So, today, I gave up Diet Coke again because skinny girls don’t drink Diet Coke, especially the skinny girl that I want to be.  I will indulge in other ways - like skinny girls do.  WWSG do?  What would skinny girls do?  I know - it’s  a little irreverent, especially on a Sunday.  And, I’m cool with being irreverant because it’s better than finding one more way to “sell my soul to the devil” in order to reach my ideal weight.

I’m not surprised, but I’m also not thrilled.  I weighed in today after being away from my scale for two weeks.  I count it as a significant win that I actually got back on the scale because I really, really didn’t want to.  It’s a good tool, though.  It just tells the facts without any commentary.  I have gained 5.4 pounds in the last two weeks!  Oh, that sounds so bad to me.  Yeah, I have a lot of commentary to offer.  Instead, I’m going to focus on what’s great about me and my body and my plan.  I think one of the bad habits I’ve really fallen back into is beating myself up and saying horrible things to myself and I’m committed to changing that.  One of the things I know about when I started this journey is that a lot of the energy and momentum came from being very clear and aware of what is true and loving myself because of it, rather than in spite of it.  So, that is where I am going back to today.

What is true is that I am no longer 100 pounds over weight, but I am still over 60 pounds over weight.  This is actually a significant shift.  Maybe, I should change the name of my blog to “My Sixty Pounds”.  I’m not going to.  But, I am reframing my journey.  I am sixty pounds over weight.  I am a loving, passionate, giving person.  I actually give too much.  I am not super clear about my boundaries and I over give of my time and my energy.  I haven’t been great at noticing that I am tired or that I need to slow down.  And, I am very, very tired and I, not only need to slow down, but I want to slow down.  One of the things that vacation is good for is resetting priorities.  I realize that I spend a lot of time and energy in my life running.  I’m running around helping people and organizations and causes.  I’m running toward my goals.  I’m running away from my pain.  You’ll love this!  The night we left for vacation, I told my mom, “Oh, my gosh!  I am so tired!  My feet hurt and I’m exhausted!  I’ve been running around like crazy all day!”  My mom said, “Sweetheart!  You have been running around like crazy for your whole life!  Slow down, honey!  You’re wearing us all out just watching you!”  I LOVE my mom and I think she is one of the smartest and most generous people I know.  And, I’m going to take her advice.  I’m slowing down.  I’m reassessing all the running around that I’m doing and I’m choosing only to do the things that pass the test of “my cornerstones”.  My cornerstones are 4 guiding principles that I use for making decisions.  My cornerstones are:  Easy, Fun, Win-Win-Win, On Purpose.  My diet is easy.  Just follow it, period.  My diet is fun!  It’s actually fun to weigh and measure my food (it appeals to my scientific tendencies).  It is super fun to blog.  And I can’t think of anything more fun than losing weight every week.  The Win-Win-Win is that I win, my family wins, I hope you win and I hope that the work I am doing goes to inspire, influence and help other people to find their own ways to lasting freedom around food.  And, on purpose.  We’ll I definitely have a big purpose here.  I actually have 100 little ones.  I have a list of 100 reasons why I want to lose weight, one per pound.  So, my plan passes through my cornerstones and I’m looking to make sure that the rest of my life does too.  And, I am also looking to create a bunch of space to slow down in.

Note:  If you are interested in the idea of Guiding Principles or Cornerstones, I encourage you to develop yours.  They will be different than mine.  Brainstorm what is most important to you.  It can be helpful to look at your values.  If you need some help, let me know.

Week 14

Week 14

Woo hoo!  I lost another 1.8 pounds this week, for a total of 43.5.  This is good news, but it is also a little bit of a mystery to me.  I have not been all that good on my program.  I’ve admitted my challenges and my cheats.  I definitely acknowledge that my weight loss has slowed down over the last three weeks since I’ve been diverging from my plan.  But, I’m still losing weight.  I know it’s because I am still “mostly” following my plan with some exceptions.  Here’s what happens for me, though.  When I lose weight even when I cheat, I start thinking that I can get away with cheating on a regular basis.  And then I cheat more.  And then I start playing the game of how much can I cheat and still lose weight.  And that quickly turns into, how much can I cheat without gaining weight.  And, before long, I am back in the cycle of crazy eating and beating myself up and punishing myself and promising to be good and “starting tomorrow” and all that nutso stuff.  Oh, yeah.  That feels pretty crazy.

Well, the past couple of days have definitely been an exercise in getting back on track.  Seriously, the blogging helps, so thanks for listening.  I notice that I am more likely to cheat when I’m not blogging.  Whether or not I blog definitely speaks to my state of mind.  I’ve also gotten curious about what’s really going on.  I realized that when I first started my diet, some of my feelings were physically and emotionally unbearable.  I really had to work to stay present and to allow myself to “be with” some unpleasant feelings.  What I notice is that lately my feelings have been a lot more managable.  I haven’t gotten better at being with my feelings, I have just found some new ways to compensate.  And, those weren’t working as well and I started turning back to food again.  Ironically, the key to being liberated from the bondage of my feelings is to actually feel them.  So, I’m back to that.

I also recently renewed my program.  I had to go have another blood test and I was waiting for my results and for an updated plan.  There was a part of me that thought that I could blow off some steam and take a short break from my diet until I got my “updated program”.  I got my blood test results and everything looked good to me.  All of my numbers were within the normal ranges and looked fine as far as I could tell (and I used to work in a clinical lab, so I have a little bit of experience with this stuff).  Well, imagine my surprise, when I got a message from the doctor that runs my program that said something to the effect of “Dr Cohen has reviewed your results and it’s apparent that you have been deviating from your program.  In order to continue getting the results that you have been getting on the program, we recommend that you review your prescription and make sure that you are weighing and measuring your food and drinking all your water and blah, blah, blah.”  Well, color me surprised!  It actually stung a little, and it was great!  It was the final thing that I needed to hear to get back on track.

So, yesterday I got out my scale and my original plan and started weighing and measuring my food again.  And, guess what?  It was easy again.  There is something about the scale that really helps.  I don’t have to make any decisions or guess how much is the right amount or anything else.  And, what I notice is that I wasn’t eating enough vegetables and I was eating too much protein.  Adjusting it back to my plan really made a big difference and I got through the whole day without the tiniest cheat and without any food cravings.  Oh, it feels really good to be back on track.  Now, I’m looking to my next goal.  I’m 7 pounds away from losing 50 pounds and from weighing less than 200 pounds.  Both of those are really big goals for me.  And, I’m ready to get there.

Have you ever heard the idea “how you do this one thing is how you do everything”? I have been noticing that my whole life was fat. When I’m at the grocery store and something’s on sale, I buy two. Granted, I have four hungry boys. It’s just something I’m noticing. My purse has got a bunch of junk in it. My office gets cluttered and out of control. When I go on vacation, I take a lot of stuff with me. It’s generally with the intention of being prepared and having what I will need. But, I am feeling less of a need to be prepared and more of a need to travel light.

I recently picked up one of my skinny girlfriends from the airport. She was planning to visit for 10 days and all she had with her was a carry on suitcase and a backpack. I was shocked and amazed. I was really curious how she could have everything she needs for 10 days. I know she’s skinny, but do smaller clothes really take up that much less room?

She and I were traveling together for the next 7 days. I asked her how she traveled so lightly and she challenged me to try it. So, she helped me pack and I went on a retreat with her with only one small carry on suitcase and a carry on bag. It was a big stretch for me. It was hard. And, it was fine. I kind of wished I had a couple extra things with me on my trip. For the most part, though, I had everything I needed. I thought I’d feel stressed out, but I actually felt kind of liberated. It was easy to just wear what I brought and to not have to worry about figuring out what I “felt like wearing”.

I have this theme with food, eating and my body of feeling the need to keep my options open and to be able to make choices according to my moods. By making my choices in advance, I am actually creating more freedom for myself than I could have ever imagined. Instead of feeling trapped or stuck with my choices, I feel liberated from the stress of deciding in the moment. There’s something here about separating my feelings from my eating, my food choices and what I wear. It’s a relief really, not to be so worried about what I’m going to eat or what I’m going to wear. I am going to keep practicing the idea of traveling lightly in my life as a metaphor and as an expression for being light in my body.

Back in February, I was talking to my coach about my body image and what I see and what I think.  She told me that my story made her think of her recent trip to Korea.  In Korea, the men and women bathe in communal baths.  It’s a daily ritual for the women to meet in the women’s bath and the men to meet in the men’s bath.  They all go - the youngest, the oldest, the wrinkled, the imperfect.  They get completely undressed in the locker room and then they go scrub themselves and shower and soak in hot and cold tubs and steam and sauna.  I thought, “Well, that explains why they are all so skinny!  If I had to be naked in community on a daily basis, well things would definitely be different! “  My coach told me that the women all seem so comfortable in their bodies.  They accept them for what they are.  I said, “Oh, yeah, they have a spa like that here in LA.  We call it ‘The Naked Spa.’  I’m terrified to go there.”  My coach said, “Oh, Carrie!  You did NOT just say that to me, did you?  Okay, girlfriend.  When are you going?”  Yeah, sometimes coaching is hard.  So, I committed to going to The Naked Spa in March.  It’s not really called “The Naked Spa”, it’s called The Olympic Spa, because it’s on Olypmic Blvd in LA.

I invited my girlfriend, Tracey, to go with me.  Tracey is actually my personal trainer, but she is also one of my dearest friends.  I know that she loves my body better than I do and that she is an example of a woman who eats healthy and well, works out and has a beautiful, real woman’s body.  It was also her birthday, so we made an occassion out of it.  I made reservations for us before I lost my nerve.  I was so nervous that day.  We arrived at the spa and the ladies showed us around and told us how things work.  We got naked.  I think THAT is the hardest part!  Then we went and took showers and scrubbed and steamed and soaked.  We also got “The Goddess Treatment”.  The spa therapists all work in one area of the spa, right out in plain sight - no rooms, no doors.  They wear black bras and panties as their uniform - not sexy, just cotton, basic, cover the essentials.  They called us over, scrubbed our bodies from scalp to sole and sent us to the shower.  Then we got an oil massage and a mini-facial.  It was wonderful and liberating.  I could have hung out there all day.  It was really refreshing to be in my body and to be okay with it.  It was really refreshing to see what real bodies look like - you don’t get that in magazines.  And, you know what?  I think that real women’s bodies are more beautiful than the airbrushed perfection that we are led to believe we are supposed to look like.  I definitely started appreciating women’s beauty, and my beauty, in a new way that day.  This was definitely a part of the work that led me to the place of love and compassion for my body - the place that opened up to allow this journey to begin.